We've all done it..

Hi everybody! So, I plan on making this post kinddaaa different from the others, ya know change it up. There will still be pictures so don't get all pissy. Anyway, really the only reason I'm changing it for today's post is because, in all honesty, I feel like I'm getting a wee bit to generic with my format's and shit like that. It's not because I'm out of ideas or because I'm lazy, it's because I want to get some more variety.

So, instead of a story, I'm going to go over a list (not super long, not crazy short) of things I've done and I'm pretty sure you've all done (comically of course).

#1) Walk into a room, get distracted by some asshole, walk out of room without retrieving whatever you wanted to get.
#2) Feeling hungry but because the big game (baseball, football, basketball or whatever sport you prefer) is on so you don't wanna get up.
#3) When on FB,  literally scrolling through a wasteland of "-insert Kings of Leon or any country song deemed 'deep''
#4) Pressing down even harder on buttons of a remote control even though we know it has weak batteries (I've lost a few remotes because of that).
#5) When reading something clearly out of order thinking "idiot" then re-reading over it a few minutes later, only to realize it was in the right order and your brain is a dick.

#6) (Guys) Trying to figure out why girls post pictures of there feet when in a group...it's called Facebook not Footbook.
#7) Being friends with somebody yet you forget how you met and why you're friends.
#8) Watching a poker game on ESPN and trying to figure out why you're watching a poker game on ESPN.
#9) Playing any type of sports video game and trying to figure out how the hell you're losing to somebody who has never even played before.
#10) Losing all self confidence after looking in the mirror. (That's more for you guys, I've nnneeevveerr lost self confidence)
#11) Anything that sounds great in your head about politics or religion, can and will, make you look like a total tool.
#12) We all have our favorite happy mood song, sad mood song, tired song, writing a paper song, getting ready for a sporting event song, driving in the car and attempting to not crash the car song because you're focused on the song.
#13) Re-creating an awkward situation in your head over and over and over and over and over again until you're ready to jump off your nearest bridge or building.

#14) Doing a math problem then thinking: "When am I going to use this shit..."
#15) Texting someone in the same room about somebody else in the same room.
#16) Catching yourself in the middle of a sentence because you realize that if you say it you may come across as: Racist, sexist, extremist, overly-religious, Marxist, communistic.
#17) Over rationalizing something to the point where you have created a completely new situation.
#18) Actually thinking something good you do will earn you respect and honor....bahahahahahahahahahaha.
#19) Reading something terrible about today's society and deep down hoping the world will end because this shit is just getting out of control.
#20) Still trying to figure out why girls post pictures of there feet on facebook..
#21) Slowly sinking into your chair as you get more comfortable on your computer.
#22) Eating then thinking about those starving African kids you saw on that TV commercial...-slow gulp-
#23) Telling yourself I will call it a night after this -feel in the blank- and deciding two hours later: "Meh, I can pull an all-nighter"..then passing out on the couch.
#24) Secretly praying that Tebow will win MVP.
#25) Thinking to yourself: "I'm honestly glad I wasn't born into a celebrity couple, I'm not sure if I would want to be named Trenton Serenity Orphée Green World Peace Jones"


So there ya have it, the list of things we've all done at point or another. I'm sorry it's not longer but my brain is tired. Bye Everybody! =))

NO, THAT IS NOT OKAY--Never mind..

Hi everybody! I've got this great story so lets just skip all the BS'ing and get right to the story and pretty pictures!


So, during this past holiday break plainly put, it got cold. Now this doesn't surprise me, however, what does surprise me is the fact that my room actually got warm (I'm guessing it was about 87F). So, I decide to lumber on out to the living room where I saw my dog happily snoring away on the couch in peace...and me being myself decided "Me = Human, Dog = Animal...I win.". So after I kick her off the couch, after the snarling and snapping,  I place myself on the couch and begin to wonder "Where is she (my dog) and is she plotting against me". Then I realized that I was actually scared of a half-witted, bareley remembers who she is on a daily basis, attack her own tail because she fears it, type of dog. I had nothing to be afraid of!

 So, I fall asleep for about 2 hours. Now it's about 4am and I need something to drink, so I get up, bolt to the kitchen, search in the dark for a glass, nearly drop said glass on 12 different occasions and run back to my couch after being happily re-hydrated. But, to my surprise, I see her. Right there. ON MY COUCH. MY. COUCH. THIS IS NOT OKAY!--Wait..she just cried in her sleep...f*** me. I now have to adjust her so that I become the little spoon and she doesn't feel threatened thus I can wake up with both eyes not gouged out. When I finally get situated and 67% happily in place, my dog lays her muzzle on my jugular so that if I make a break for it she gets a taste of some A- blood. The only thing running through my head at this point is: "hahahahah, this will make a great stor- zzzzzzzzzzzz" Yep, fell asleep mid thought. I had a great night's sleep but things took a turn for the worse, as always. I was awakened at the crisp and early time of 7am - in the morning by a thundering woman in my living room yelling: "HAHA, SUCK IT BITCH, I BEAT YO ASS AT FANTASY FOOTBALL. OOHH YEAH. OOHH YEEEAAHHHH!" Not only did she sound like the giant kool-aid guy when she did that but she reminded me how much I cherished sleep and how much she cherished my lack thereof. But hey, you can't pick your mom...or dogs. Okay, I could have picked a different dog but what did I know? It's not like I knew I was picking Satan's ex-mutt from hell.

I guess after all of that, I really learned one thing: Never trust your dog. I don't care if they're man's best friend. They're evil creatures who lurk in the dark and wait for their vengeance. I mean, people say cats are smart and cats are crafty...what does that make dogs? Black motherf***ing Op's is what it makes them.

 I mean Seal Team 6 has nothing on 'em..but hey, it could be worse...right? GUYS?!

Alright that's all I've got for today guys, I'll see you soon! Bye everyone! =)

Quick update!

Hi everybody! I know it's been awhile (close to 4-ish months) since I last posted and honestly, that sucks. Because I have been so busy I've forsaken this blog...and I'm sorry. Okay, now that we have that shit outta the way, I ALSO wanted to let you all know that I'm really trying to figure out how to take this thing to the next level. Not saying that I don't like it here on the bottom of the barrel but it'd be nice to see what other crazy stuff I can do with bigger and better options. Back to my main point, I expect to produce the best and funniest stories/pictures/whatever the hell else I decide to throw in this little pot o' ridiculous I created. I, in all honesty, can't wait to get back to work and begin the epic year of 2013....wait, I don't get a year off? F***ING F*** DAMN IT!...I mean....yay. All kidding aside though, I've got about 3 - 4 blogs coming in the next several weeks so be on the lookout for those.

Bye everyone! =)

Life: The amusement park that charges waaayy to much

Hi, everybody! So, I'm assuming you all know the saying "Life is like a roller coaster, blah blah blah". Well, yeah. I've learned over the past few weeks that life really is one, and if you don't hold on to those bars that are way to f-ing tight, you're gonna get your ass kicked and fly off screaming. By that I mean, If you don't have good friends to hold on to, you're gonna get pummeled. Fun stuff! Anyway, you can't really predict which way the roller coaster is gonna go, like every amusement ride (they should be called evil torture devices) at Disney World. And if you can predict which way it's gonna and you tell people about it, you're just gonna get weird looks because people think you're insane, which 9 times outta 10, you are. If you manged to stay with me and my train of thought there, I'm impressed. I'm pretty sure following that was like trying to climb Mt. Everest..

By the way, if you grandfather goes and tries to climb Mt. Everest...I'm sorry.

So, story time? I say yes.
There was this time I was dared (keep in mind, I was 12 and I liked dares) to climb a this hugeeee pile of dirt at my baseball field and anyone who climbed this pile of dirt was a considered a total "bad ass" and since I was a total "wimp" I needed something to boost my status among my peers. So, I spend about a week preparing for hell. Climbing up the hills in my neighborhood, eating things I thought tough people like..nails. Yeah, so after I got out of the hospital, I went to to that pile of dirt, I put on my good plastic cleats and RAN UP THAT MOTHERF***ER! What happened after that? I took a stick, carved in "JG" and exclaimed "I AM THE THE KING OF THE HILL!" Which, apparently, in kids terms means: "Lets play king of the hill, come try to knock my block off". So, the biggest kid around comes charging up the hill and shoves me off the hill, I then learned my first life lesson about people..Never yell out unintentional challenges with the world's largest kid  within 500 ft of you. They can hear you at the snack shack...

So, everybody, I hope you enjoyed the post. Thanks for reading and have a great day! =D
Bye everyone!

Ahh, Fall!

Hello, everyone. All I have to say is: Ahh, Fall. The best season of the year. There's just something about running and jumping right into a pile of leaves until the sunsets...or until you have leaves down your crack...then things just get ugly. But, honestly, even though the air gets colder and the sun sets about 50 hours early, you can't help but enjoy the small things about fall....like all the insects slowly dieing off. Now, some may argue that winter or summer is, but let's be honest, the only reason we accept those drastic weather changes is either because we get to be lazy or because we get to buy loads of shit for our friends and show off what we got. Other than that, we're either sweating our asses off or freezing 'em.

  See, there's the problem with our society...we set our goals and hopes WAAYYY to high...like Bob Marley high. If we just said to our selves "I just want a regular desk job" instead of "I'MMA BE A MOTHERF****** ROCKET SCIENTIST" life would be so much better. Honestly, when was the last time you saw someone try to run into traffic because they met all of their life goals and were completely happy with it. Yeah, Jake logic is good logic. But in all seriousness, I think setting your goals high is a great thing, just don't do it for everything...nobody likes an elite poop picker upper.

So, my final words for this post post, NEVER..EVER...complain about fall. It could be so much worse..I'm looking at you Australia. Bye everyone!

My irrational fear of everything

Hi everybody! Lets be honest, I'm a bit of a wimp. I literally jump 5 feet in the air when I see a snake, spider, mouse or honey badger...on TV. So, I have determined I have a fear of everything and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I can actually remember when I wouldn't go outside of my own house because of a spider hanging on my door. I honestly think that I'm the person that insects and reptiles are just attracted to. I could be in the coldest place in the world and there would be an effing cobra. There's just something about 'em that creeps the hell out of me. Like, I can kill a small spider no problem - BUT I swear if I see a black widow, I will be down the street with a trail of fire behind me. Like this one time my "friend" thought it would be funny to buy one of those spiders from Wal-Mart, that's fake but looks real.

So, we're in Wal-Mart, just cruising around, up and down the aisles, being bored teenagers, and then we come across this fake looking spider, I shiver and walk away. I go to leave and he says "Oh, I've gotta use the restroom, I'll be out in a few minutes", so I go to wait in the car and relax. A few minutes pass by and he comes running out and we head back home. We're just chilling on the couch, watching TV, when he says "Lets go do something" so I, of course, respond with "Fine.." (I was tired and didn't feel like doing jack-shit). So, he goes into the kitchen before me (This should have been a precursor). When I finally get out there, my friend points at the spider and says something like "WHAT'S THAT!" and of course me, being the wimp I am, scream like a little girl and book it to the front door. After that, I then proceeded to punch him in the stomach (I'm 5'10, he's 6'6, it'd be hard to go for the head). My lesson from this experience: NEVER let your friend go with you to a place that sells things that may scare the living hell outta you.

Thus, I have concluded I am a wimp and I know my place in the wilderness: Away from it.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love camping and all it's glory, but I REFUSE to go near a place that has
to have signs warning of it's potential danger.

Well, everybody, that's my post for today. I hope you have an outstanding week! Byee! =)

WHO BROKE THIS?!?!?!?!?!

Hi everybody! So, I figured that I haven't talked about some traumatizing incidents in my life for awhile, so how about the time a family friend decided it would be funny to play a prank on poor little me, never mind the fact I was like 10 years old and was emotionally unstable.

So, here I was being a good little kid just playing some indoor basketball with a 4'7 kid and 5 foot hoop in the living room area. I was one shot away from absolute glory (bragging rights), so I take the shot. I miss and the ball goes sailing right to porcelain-looking snowman and the head just snaps right off of it and falls to the ground. So I (being the responsible 10 year old I am)...book it up the stairs with said friend, and pretty much stay up there for the rest of the night. About 2 hours pass and we go back downstairs for dinner. I've pretty much forgotten about it by now, and just start shoveling food into my mouth because at that time my motto was "Eat fast, play soon!" so we all finish up eating and I head back up stairs with my friend while the parents go into the living room to talk. About 15 minutes pass and for some reason which I cannot remember to this day, my friend decides he needs to go downstairs and get something. He comes FLYING back up the stairs and says "WHOA WHOA WHOA, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!" I, of course, say something along the lines of "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!" He then proceeds to tell me that his mom is crying with the snowman's head in one hand and the body in the other. So, we creep back downstairs and eavesdrop on the conversation. Her husband is now trying put the snowman back together with super-glue. So, we head downstairs with our heads hung low and peek into the room and ask, "What's going on?" and the mom says "Somebody broke this snowman that my grandmother gave to me, this was the most special Christmas figure I own!" By this point I'm thinking in my head, "SHIT SHIT SHIT, I'm going to die. I've lived a good life for a ten year old, I've seen the world (Canada and Oregon)"  I mumble out "I'm sorry.." Then start bawling my eyes out

By then, they decide "Okay, we made the kid cry. Mission accomplished" then they start laughing and the husband comes up and says "Ohh it's okay, buddy" and hugs me..what he doesn't realize is that I am 5'0 and he is 6'2...I am at PERFECT height for pay back, so what do I do? I punch him right in the gems and say "Not Funny".  What I have learned from this story is never, and I mean NEVER, mess with a kid half your size because he is low enough to do massive damage.


I think life is just a bunch of practical jokes pulled off in sometimes non-humorous ways. I mean come on..think about...life is kinda a dick, "Haha! Made you think you were pregnant!", so I say we should just take some time and relax.

Alright everybody, I hope you enjoyed the story! Byee! =).

A Unicorn? Really?

Hi everybody! So, apparently, unicorns are cool?

I was walking down the street the other day and I kid you not, this man is wearing A UNICORN T-SHIRT READING "Would you love me without my horn?"...I almost punched him in the face because he deemed it "okay" to wear a unicorn shirt with the world's dumbest saying. I mean, don't get me wrong. I like horses  (Mostly because back in the days of the roman empire, they used horses as tanks) but unicorns, No..just no. I mean, I know they're fake and all but really, let's pretend they were real. Would you honestly want a pet that shit's rainbows?

I mean, what if it's having a bad day? Unicorns are pure happiness, what would that mean to the rest of the world if you saw A UNICORN trying to jump off a bridge? I'm pretty sure we would  know we're screwed then. Anyway, back to my main point. I think it's great that people have imaginations. Creativity is great! But, when you start wearing shirts that pretty much scream "Hey, come mug me! I'm wearing a unicorn shirt!" I think it's time to find a new hobby besides collecting unicorn figurines. I think it's awesome that we, as a society are becoming more and more accepting..but, honestly, guys..come on, could you at least not wear the bedazzled shirts to a Ke$ha concert. Just to drive my point home, a few weeks ago me and a friend we're just relaxing and playing some 8-bit games and we were talking about how ridiculous this whole unicorn thing is getting, and he mentioned that there is going to be a unicorn cereal made......ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Unicorn cereal? Really? Good god, It's going to be like Fruity Loops and Lucky Charms got together, had a kid and the kid is on steroids.

 A person can only take so much unicorn BS until they snap...then it's downhill for everybody.

 So, that's my post for today! I hope you guys enjoyed it and have a great week! Bye everybody! =)

Quick Update: New posts are on the way!

Hi everybody! I've been working really hard to pump out new posts (about 3-5 new posts are going to be out before the end of the month!) While I work on those, I figured I could update you guys on what you can be expecting for the next couple of weeks!

What to expect:
Me crying.
Unicorns jumping off bridges.
Fears of spiders and other little things that can do no possible harm to a human.
Thinking positive!
And of course, me screwing up.

 I'm really excited to get this done, but I can't rush or else it'll just be terrible.
Still not satisfied? I told you it was a quick update! I have work to do! Bye guys and girls! =)

How to be a bone-head (an idiots guide)

Hi everybody! First of all, I just wanna state that this title is completely misleading as it has nothing to do with being a guide.....like at all. So, now that's off my chest, lets talk about me (surprise, surprise?) and my way of being a complete bone-head. I may have black hair (No, I'm not emo or "scene" and so help me god if one more person asks if I am, I'mma go straight hood on 'em...I also need to take it easy on the rap) but I can act like a total blonde at times...like oh my god seriously, I can't like go like one day without like totally messing up one thing because of like such a total mistake (it's okay if you just did a valley girl voice in your head) and Yes, I just stereotyped every blonde on earth, get over it. Annyyywwaayyy, I just can't seem to get the hang of being a normal, contributing member of society........nooooooo, I am Captain f^@k up, you put a pair of roller blades, a banana and a lemonade stand within 20 feet of me and I can guarantee you that I will have a concussion, black eye, broken leg and a note taped to my forehead saying "You owe me 50 bucks, don't ask why. You just do."

I'm pretty sure that if you can attempt it, I'll screw it up. Why you ask? Because, I AM CAPTAIN F^@K UP! Now, if I am needed, I'll be in my special ed. helmet and bubble wrapping.

Some people think I'm off-balance or slightly deranged and to that I say, you are right, BUT, I have more fun with a box then you can ever imagine.

 I know this was kind of a short post, but what do you expect of me? IT'S SUMMER FOR HEAVENS SAKE! Anyway, later guys! I hope you enjoyed the post! =)


NOTE: I was supposed to post this like a month ago and was just straight lazy and forgot to so...here it is?...If I say I love you and promise to wash your car, can we forget about this little incident?

HOLD UP! Was that a flying pig?

Hey there, everybody! So I haven't exactly been a role model for "consistency" lately since I really don't do the same thing more than two days in a row except for showering and eating (which I may do a little more than often). For example, one day I'll be in lovee with something weird like honey badgers then the next day have a mortal fear of them because they can kill claw your eyes out and eat cobras with ease. BUT! I did learn something important from it, I have a fear of having my eyes clawed out by a ravenous animal! I think that if I were to attempt consistency, I might succeed at first then end up falling flat on my face. Literally. I can only run so many days in a row before my legs feel like jelly and I have to stop so I don't face plant on the pavement. I actually have a story about me and my "issues" with consistency.

One day, I just could not do a certain trick on my skateboard and of course, me being the humble and well adjusted child I was..started cussing out the skateboard and kicking it. So, after my friend who is a year younger than myself landed it (He was 11), I decided "HELL, if this kid can do it, so can I!" So, I practiced and practiced hard on that one trick and eventually got it down, but the problem was no 11 or 12 year old will believe you if you say "Well, I did it in my backyard when nobody was around". So, I figure that if I can do it in my backyard I can do it anywhere...including in front of my older sister, her best friend and 5 of my other friends. So, I put on my cool "Sk8r" helmet and pads and ran outside full speed ahead. We all gathered in the middle of the road, I hopped on my skateboard and...after several attempts at it...I FINALLY NAILED IT! SUCCESS IS MINE! Then my sister's best friend yells out "Pigs have flown!". Gotta love such positive support.

So, the moral of the story is: If you think you can't do something, try, try again...and never do anything dangerous without wearing something lucky, because if you're like me..you'll face plant every time.

I think that sometimes I really get lost in my own thoughts, I could see an ant and 2 minutes later be thinking about the Ant Economy. So, yes, I am slightllyyy off-balance. Also, I bet you were wondering what the hell that last sentence had to do with anything, well it's called filler...aka I have nothing left to talk about and I'm just avoiding what I should be doing like mowing the lawn or something so amazingly, epicly fun. I guess on that note I should get going. Bye everybody! Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Quicky update; WE'RE NOT DEAD! =D

Hi there everyone! While I'm working on my next post, I figured I could do a reallllll quick update! You know you loveee it. So, today the world was supposed to end but uh...yeah, we're still here and I still have to do my Sunday work...aka wake up, take a shower, eat breakfast, go back to sleep. IT'S SO HARD BEING ME! I honestly think the next time Harold Camping tries to predict the rapture (and we all know he will), I think he should at least try to convince people a little better. I mean he only put up close to 20,000 billboards across America and it got spread around the internet like...never mind, you know where I was going with it..MY POINT BEING, if you're gonna make a prediction, at least try to sound sane while doing so, even though it's kinda hard when you run around saying "THE WORLD IS GONNA END ON MAY 21ST, DRINK THE KOOL-AID NOW, DAMN IT!".  I mean seriously, I wonder if he even listens to himself and his ridiculous mathematics. I mean c'mon, how can you believe that crap?


All right, so there is my quick little update. I hope you enjoyed it! Byee =)

Lamprophony of a....wait, what?

Hi Everbody! It's been way to long!...and I just realized I start every post like that...so.......¡Hola Amigos! Which is Spanish for Hello Friends! Much better, don't you agree? Anyway, I was reading the dictionary the other day and came across a word that...well, That really shouldn't even be in existence at all. Lamprophony which means, loudness or clarity of voice.....Do we in all honestly need that word? 'cause seriously, I can't remember the last time I was like "Speak up bud, your lamprophony isn't great". I know it isn't excatly a huge deal like other pressing matters in America, like taxes, healthcare and why Dick Cheney hasn't died yet, but IT MATTERS!........to me at least.

One thing I really wonder about is, who had the time to come up with all of these ridiculous words. Lamprophony for example. Was the guy who came up with it like: "Gentlemen, I do believe I have an idea for a word that will literally blow your brain particulates...Lamprophony". I don't think it went down EXACTLY like that, but you guys get my point. If you want a good laugh from your freidnds, use that word and watch their reaction when you say it. It will make you feel better about yourself...cause laughing at friends always does =]!

Another topic I wanted to cover today (Yes, it's a multi-topic post) is me and my inability to actually get things done without harming myself or those around me. If you will recall one of my older posts, you'll find that I did actually give myself brain trauma from pounding my head against my computer's desk. Anyway, There was this one time when I was camping in Canada, and I was getting some bacon from my dad to go give to my mom, (God forbid he actually gets up off the the air-mattress) and me being the "always happy and excited" 7 year old I was, I go flying out the little zipper door, then collide head first into a metal pole that had it out for me (I almost ran into it earlier in the day). Thus proving, I have no coordination and my sister likes laughing at people while they have blood spurting out of their faces. But the main point of this is, never run around in Canada...there metal poles aren't too fond of Americans.

Well people, that is it for today, I'm off to see the Wizard of Oz..Psyche, I'm actually off to go passout on my couch to ESPN. Byee! =)

Laughter! The greatest thing since teriyaki

Hi Everybody! So, I recently became addicted to a site called "StumbleUpon". Some of you may have heard of it. It's a website that basically asks what your interests are, and then "stumbles" you to a site that relates to your interests. I have only one suggestion: if you have an addictive personality (you're easily addicted to things) take it easy. I have an addictive personality and I literally cannot peel myself away from the site without having to be forced away with some type of WMD or AK-47. But, it is a pretty fun site to just mess around with when you're bored and have absolutely nothing productive to get done. I just can't get enough of the endless jokes, pictures and GIF's the internet has to offer. You honestly have to laugh at some of the things people come up with.

I think people really don't appreciate a good laugh anymore. If they aren't busy with work, they're busy with school, etc, etc. So my genius plan is to make a day totally dedicated to laughing and screwing around with people you may or may not know. I mean c'mon, laughing is a great way to boost your immune system and to show off that new joke book you got for $3.50 at Wal-Mart. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Don't deny it. And, if you really think about it, people are generally happier all around if they have a good joke told to them.  There's an old quote by Jean Houston that says "at the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities". So, imagine all the good things we could do! Or, we could all just be UN-productive dicks and ride around on golf carts while throwing water balloons at old people. Either could work. It's just that laughing is one of the greatest medicines. If you're having a crappy day and somebody comes up to you and starts laughing at a funny joke (s)he heard earlier, your day has been brightened and you're in the green for a great day.

Well my people, that is it for today! My humble opinion on why laughing is the greatest thing ever!
 Have a great weekend!! =D

Long days make everybody happy!....Right?

Hey everybody! Ever have such a long day that you literally just want to drop on the floor and pass out so long that you start to grow a beard? Welcome to the club! Seriously, I just had one of those days where I couldn't accomplish a single thing without taking 10 breaks, occasionaly getting on Facebook and posting about my lack of concentration. I was supposed to be making a power point presentation about rock formation. Yeah, the most fun thing ever! (If you couldn't tell that was sarcasm, I suggest immediate help). So, I'm working and working and working. I finish up after about 2 hours. I just stare at my screen with pure joy. MY TITLE SLIDE WAS DONE! I do admit that it probably wasn't the greatest idea ever to slam my head against the keyboard a couple hundred times. I probably should have stopped after the 237th time..that's when I started seeing unicorns. (I named one Franklin)

Time management is always a hard skill to work with because, honestly, who wants to spend 2-5 hours a day writing about how rocks were formed, and why they are important to plant life in the lower 48 States. I MEAN C'MON, DO I HONESTLY NEED TO KNOW THIS CRAP IN ORDER TO GRADUATE?! (See previous post on the uselessness of school after 8th grade). Anyway, these past couple of days have been harsh on me. I've been stressed with school, looking for a laptop, and getting ready for baseball. I think that every 5th Monday of the month should be mental health day. A day where we can all sit back and just chill the hell out (Notice that oxymoron?). It would be mostly intended for crazy businessmen and high school students. Everyone else has to do at least 5 hours of community service (hey, it's a day off from your regular schedule, don't complain). If we could all just get that one day a month, life would be so much better! There would be no poverty, world hunger, war or mass flooding! Okay, maybe that's a stretch but still! It would help big time.
So, with all of this new information still settling into your mind, I hope you guys have a great weekend! Bye Everybody!

Water + Laptop = Saddest day of my life!

Hi everybody! By the title alone you can tell I'm legit depressed about the loss of a dear friend...my little laptop. So, here's how it all went down...literally. 
I was walking into my room looking for my laptop and I had absolutely no idea where it was, so I started where everything gets lost in my house, my bedroom. It's like a black hole mixed with a hoover vacuum cleaner. So that if you drop a single thing within a 10 mile radius of it, it will be consumed by my evil bedroom. So, as I walk into my room I see it, my prize, my laptop! I run to it with excitement and pure joy. But then, as my luck would freaking have it, I trip on one of my shoe's and start falling, as I grab to reach dramticaly for my dresser, I accidently push a cup of water on to my laptop. After I regrouped and pulled the gum off of me that was on my floor from 5 months ago (don't even ask), I heard a faint sizzling sound. The sound that you hear when you truly know you're screwed. So, as any normal teenager would do, I start flipping out and throwring towels among towels among towels onto to my suffering laptop and attempt to drain it. TIP OF THE DAY: DO NOT GRAB SOMETHING THAT IS SIZZLING. I now have a "Dell Core Duo Processor" scold mark on my hand. Now whenever I wave, I'm like a flipping billboard for Dell. Gotta love it. So, after fighting back the urge to use every cuss word in the book, I take my laptop's battery out in a sad, futile, attempt to save my little buddy. Sadly though, it failed. I could not rescue what I had been so careful with before (nevermind the fact that it had 8 missing buttons, the USB ports were shot, and it made a Transformers type sound whenever I attempted to click on ebay to look for a new computer). STILL, it was my little buddy and I will miss him. The moral of this story: Never ever ever put water near a laptop unless you feel like shelling out some big $.

Besides that little "Eff my life and send it to McDonalds" moment, my weekend has been great! Well, I'm gonna peace out to look for a new computer that isn't a decepticon. Bye guys! (and girls too!) =)

(Again, thank you to my awesome friend Lily for making the picture)

The useless-ness of almost everything!

Hi everybody! I was bored earlier and I got to thinking about the useless-ness of just about everything. I mean school (in my opinion) after the 8th grade is pretty much useless, and here are the valid reasons why. History: they're all dead. English: not needed after the 8th grade. Science: it's called Googling  $#!% you don't know. Music: Youtube and Vevo, 'nuff said. Health: WE HAVE DOCTORS FOR A REASON. P.E: it's called the Wii. Math: I know how to read the value meal at Wendy's (remember, you've already learned enough words through 8th grade to help you read it).

I know there are a lot of people who think school is pretty useful, but since teenagers need 9.5 hours of sleep a night, education is taking an effect on health! That would make such a great excuse. "Sorry, Mr/Mrs. Random, I got sick from your teaching". Imagine that conversation! But, I guess everyone has their own opinions, and not everyone agrees with me. ISN'T THAT WEIRD!? You gotta think though, if school isn't greatly needed, what is? I'll leave that hard thinking for you guys. I'm just the guy who writes funny stuff and sells you tacos and spaghetti out of my van...SPEAKING OF WHICH...two for one deal from Jake's tacos! Contract one disease from any item .55 cents or more and get a free flu shot that looks somewhat like water and salt.

Another thing I was pondering today, is the age old question, WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID THE EFFING CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?! Well, here are some great answers from famous people:
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
The Dead Sea Scrolls: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.  
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it ***** wanted to. That's the ****** reason.


Well, I guess it's time to head on out, Byee! =) OH! REAL QUICK, Thank you to my aawwweessoommmeee friend Lily for making my epic header.

Every first day has it's thorns.

Hi, everybody! So this is my first day of writing a blog and I'm kinda bad with introductions, so I might as well tell you everything about me. I love music, sports, comedy and not being dead. Just like every other human being! It's always a plus when you wake up. Period. I'm a strong believer in living life to the fullest. There's an old saying that goes something like "If you're not alive, you're dead, and if you're living like you're dead, you ain't living". All right, so it's not that old...considering I just made it up. I have a tendency to act a bit...strange. Case in point: one of my favorite words in the whole wide world is "xenobiology" which means the scientific study of extraterrestrial life or life beyond planet Earth. I also like reeaallyyy random facts. Like out of left field, where the eff did that come from?! Like I said, I like living, and a part of living is knowing random knowledge that will never come in handy in any situation whatsoever. I think all of that describes me pretty well!

Now let's get down to the main point of this particular post: FIRSTS. Like my first day of baseball. I was about 8 years old and had no knowledge of the game whatsoever, but like any other 8 year old boy with ADHD (I believe every 8yo kid has ADHD, no matter their medical history). I tried to blend in and just be cool while running around like a chicken with it's head cut off by a crazed butcher. But seeing as I couldn't run, throw, hit or tie my shoes like a baseball player, I just did what came naturally..curl up in a ball and hope to God above that nothing was hit toward me. I mean c'mon! How many 8 year old power hitters do you know? Well, apparently there are quite a few, and having to be physically moved by your coach is a real morale breaker. So he sent me to go catch fly balls being hit off a tee. A little tip: NEVER RUN BACKWARDS IF YOU CAN'T RUN WELL FORWARD. I almost knocked a kid's block off while running backwards. I got snapped at and almost ended up crying. (We later ended up being close friends). But, no. I would NOT cry! I was a man! (With an extremely high voice who still wore his Buzz Lightyear tidy whiteys). I had to keep my pride and go about my first day and make sure I didn't pee myself when I got a ball smoked right at me. But by the end of the day, I returned to my mommy's van and all was well with my string cheese in one hand and my Capri-Sun in the other. My coach (who is a family friend of ours) told me I did great for being so new to baseball. I later read the little league rulebook, and apparently coaches must make the less talented children feel better by saying that. I DID NOT CARE THOUGH! I was a baseball player now, and I felt like one for the rest of the season too! There are two morals of the story: 1) If you have a ball hit at you, fake your death and pray the EMTs have cookies. 2) First days are always tough no matter who you are. It doesn't matter if you're Chuck Norris or an average Malik.

I hope you enjoyed my first of many posts to come! Remember, if you have a problem, you know where to read the most humorous stories..and if Fox is down, I'm always here too! Byee! =)